“The extreme parts of time extremely forms
All causes to the purpose of his speed,
And often at his very loose decides
That which long process could not arbitrate:
And though the mourning brow of progeny
Forbid the smiling courtesy of love (William Shakespeare)”

It has almost become a tradition for me to unveil emotional problems here, without talking about the problem itself. The anonymity of the internet allows to lament and to articulate in detail – without revealing those details.

Many natural processes contain so-called ‘boundary’ or ‘extreme’ values which define a point after which the influencing effect will grow into the opposite direction; Mathematicans know about this as broken rational functions. A magnet that rejects another magnet will embrace it if enough pressure is applied.

I’m similar. A recent talk with Raphael let me realize that I tend to not let someone near me in a casual relationship. I am a fragile person, someone who knows about this topic can find many hints which lead to the conclusion that I lack self-esteem. In order to not break the little I have, I hide myself behind a wall of arrogance, ludicrousity and let noone find the real me.
But if someone manages to break this ‘boundary’, overcome my wall, then my repellingness will turn into the opposite direction, will become a strong force pulling all my emotions out of me.

Now I let someone behind my wall.
Let someone into the me, let her find me, told her things I told nobody, let myself in onto a adventurous road I’d not often seen before. I feld luck, I felt contentedness.

That’s why it hurt so bad when everything failed.
I’m not to ask questions, I’m to readjust myself so I can find enough strength to overcome the next weeks at work, which will be very stressfull and exhausting.
I need to dump myself now. I need to find that which is me, release it again, free it from the remnants of love which poison it so bad, and then pull myself in again.

I fear this incidend only makes it even more difficult for me to open myself to new ’someone’s again, even more fearing the cause and effect of a dysfunctional relationship. But maybe the dim light of friendship that left can help me endure this burden. And as I already wrote in a previous post: “But the memory of them sunny times will shine forever”.